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Billy J

Dimensions by Ted Jec.
The God of Universe by Ted Jec.
 
Find your way
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Views and opinions by Billy J.
From: Billy Jacobs

Friend Ted, Nov. 28,2013 – Thanksgiving Day.
 I cannot know if you are driving or off but regardless I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I have spent the day doing research on atrocities due to communism. I do so in order to write with authority, assuming I live to write more books. At my age I could die any minute. I have no fear of death, as we Cherokee say, Today is a Good Day to die.
The next time we meet you must tell me about growing up in a communist state. I assure you I am avidly curious. I cannot even imagine what it must have been like. My own childhood was rich and even with disappointments now and then, I was usually happy. Money was never an issue and I had no fear, none – of any government authority. I did fear my parents and God – but the America of my childhood was not a police state. And one reason, I think – that I hold the modern police state of America in such contempt, is that I was not raised to ever fear government.
I only know first hand about Vietnamese, Laotian and Cambodian communism and they were not industrial states. They were backward civilizations and that was one reason we could not help them – they had no real idea of Marxism, and were actually rather complacent about commies. The sad truth is we gave South Vietnam huge amounts of military ordnance and supplies, tanks, planes, weaponry – and they could fix nothing. Modern warfare is not just having tanks and airplanes, it is knowing how to fix them when things break. In WW II the Russians had three times more heavy tanks and aircraft, but could not keep them running, so the Germans walked over them, at first – until they simply could not replace destroyed weaponry or dead soldiers. The South Vietnamese were a simple agricultural society with a polytheistic religion that unlike Christianity, had no world or Universal view, and was devoid of morality beyond simple emotion and basic theft. Their spirituality was entirely self serving, selfish like that of a libertarian. They had no ambition to become industrialized. The North however was being influenced by Russia and to some extent China, and Marxism was a fanatic, atheistic and wholly immoral religion, industrialization a key doctrine of its theology. In the South, anything that broke down, stayed that way. Which is why I was always against bailing out of the ‘Nam, and predicted in 1973 (the year of the Paris Peace Accords) that when we left they would cave in. Our help had kept, and is keeping – South Korea free, but the Koreans were advanced, the Japs had taught them factories, communications and all that.  They could fix a broke down tank or car, and now make very good autos. And we also had 100,000 troops in place. And the South Koreans were not against Christianity – whereas in Vietnam the Buddhists and Commies both hated the religion. Buddhism has no moral backbone, and it could care less about social values, and that is in fact the academic analysis of the religion – Buddhists hide from the ugly, Christianity searches it out, it is not at all an exclusive religion. Had we stayed there we might have industrialized the South, but back home our own nation was turning atheistic, hedonistic, and we were losing our traditional grit.
American leadership turned atheistic in the 1960s, IKE was our last Christian president. The change in America was dramatic, I lived through it. Liberals think compromising with Evil is wise – IKE had made no concessions to Communism anywhere, he was forcing racial integration, but most knew that was morally right and there was no serious violence. As for Communists, Kennedy could not do enough for them. Liberals also think everyone can be bought, all have a price – and that is true in most, but some of us still refuse to compromise. The liberals sold out people like me. We killed the commies in Vietnam fifty or sixty to one, we could have invaded Hanoi in a matter of days. The Chinks were no match for us, just bigger targets. It was not the military who lost Vietnam, it was the cowardly liberal politicians. They betrayed those of us out in Country, they stabbed us in the back. They risked our lives and then turned coward on us. And all those screaming, chanting dope heads making public spectacles of themselves back in the World were actually puppets of the rich liberals. And I knew it when Nixon went to China to kiss the butt of Chairman Mao. So here I am being shot at day after day by Slants using Chink weapons and ammo – and Nixon is making nice to a man who had thirty or forty million killed… not even the Chinks know how many were killed. We were done for, and I knew it then. And I suddenly understood why IKE had not liked Nixon.
America has built a billion dollar Intel computer plant in Vietnam. That required shutting the same plant down here in America. This will prove to have been a very stupid thing to have done. We also bribed the leaders of China, starting with Nixon, into embracing capitalism – but this was not THEM building an economy, it was the American rich making huge investments in China, and abandoning Americans, who on average, work for a third of what those in 1960 earned.
Modern Americans, the Little People, are actually regressive, they are evolving downward, returning to the moral and social values of Ancient Gaul, which explains the fact so many now sport tattoos, the Gauls were big on tattoos. They also sacrificed children, and they could not withstand an attack by a disciplined army such as that of Rome. Rome too, failed, it had once been stoic and disciplined, but after conquering Gaul, they lost their grit. In time the Germans just walked right over Western Rome. And so it seems American destiny is to be that of Rome, to eventually fail, its riches squandered. And Europe itself may go the same way, as the German Spengler predicted a century ago, fall prey to the rising East. In my own case when young, though I certainly knew my Cherokee ancestors had not been treated with justice, I accepted my role in America, and I did my duty. I belt betrayed by Vietnam, and then abortion, and I never could accept the hedonism of dope use or drunkenness or massive gambling, and homosexuality was a glaring evil to me. I began having doubts by the age of 23, and in time I no longer wanted any prize offered by the society. I was intensely interested in math and electronics and gravity – and for decades I managed to hide out in my own world of very high technology. But by age fifty I could care less, and for a long time now I exist on the razor’s edge. Barely part of the society, no more than necessary.
It is uncommonly cold here, below freezing at night. I rode my bike yesterday to do some shopping and only had my leather Jacket, and it was nearly unbearable it was so cold – but it was short trips.
Yesterday I had to go to the Yamaha dealer to buy parts (nothing serious) for my motorcycle, and I went book shopping at a Salvation Army store. The Salvation Army is actually a scam – it is a tax haven – it does help a few but I have it on good authority from several sources they actually starve people at their facilities. It is worth tens of billions, and pays not one penny of taxes. None of the officers do any of the real work, they hire it done – and they earn high salaries, all live very well. The SA was originally part of the Methodist Church (my own, assuming I ever start going to church again) but their business actually revolted many Methodists, and they separated. The truth is poverty is a put up job, a confidence game. The Rich make money from it buying tax free high interest bonds, the money used for social services. However, the SA store has used books and I am a passionate reader. I read on average 150 books a year. At one time I had tens of thousands of books, but now I only have what research I need for my writing – but I still buy books, mostly used.
 At the door of the SA store, I stopped and waited for a crippled old lady with a cane to hold the door for her. And when she got near she cursed me and said to get the hell out of her way she didn’t need any God Damned help. Mean old bitch she was. I wished her Happy Thanksgiving, and left her to struggle with the door.
I am ambivalent about Thanksgiving. Being Cherokee I do try to ignore it every four years. Most American Indians hate the holiday, I mean – what are we supposed to celebrate, losing our Land? My father could have cared less – but my mother was devoted to the holiday so we had a big meal every year. Only one of my father’s brothers celebrated Thanksgiving, also due to having a wife like my mother, more European than America – from Poland, also a Roman Catholic as my mother. Indians have used Thanksgiving to humiliate our despotic government repeatedly – the Island of Alcatraz was taken over by Indians on Thanksgiving Day – and other things. I knew some of those activist Indians, personally. I told them making spectacles of themselves would never change anything, we were too few against millions. – The hearts of Americans had to be changed, first.
Actually, the holiday is something of a hoax. There never was a Thanksgiving Day in history as it is told. The Puritan celebration was merely a little festival, a small party, due to a good crop having been raised. This was in fact a traditional thing to do all over Europe. The Puritans did not celebrate in years of bad harvests, only the good years. Nor was the party called Thanksgiving by the American Puritans. That junk was made up hundreds of years later. The first actual national Thanksgiving Day was ordered by General Washington and the Continental Congress to celebrate the Battle of Saratoga, in New York. The battle was irrelevant to the American War of Independence (calling it the American Revolution is wrong – there was nothing revolutionary about the war, or about the later government, I can argue American Rights were less than those of any British citizen, and the treatment of Indians and slaves, proves the case). In fact, the general who won the battle was Benedict Arnold, who even after winning the battle felt sure the Americans would lose, and reclaimed his British citizenship. We call him a traitor – but, it was actually the Founding Fathers who were the traitors. The French won the war for us, it is that simple – and Britain had a bad government, and was also fighting France, Spain and Holland – and had an uprising in London (The Gordon Riots) that nearly caused the government a heart attack. The Londoners rioted due to inflation that was caused by the war, and was lowering wages, and workers demanded higher wages, which they got at first. But the rich, wanting to escape fair wages, invited tens of thousands of Roman Catholic Irish to London to lower wages, and that was where most of the killing happened, in the Irish part of London. This was Protestants killing Catholics, for long a pleasant activity in Europe. The Parliament ended the war because they rather stupidly did not realize the high value of the land in North America, and they had a mess to clean up in England.
 American history as taught is a combination of outright lies (such as the famous Thanksgiving of the Pilgrims that never happened), half truths, and lies of omission.  The Colonies did not revolt over taxes, or any of the other reasons taught – they were upset about Parliament passing the Quebec Act, and giving land claimed by many of the rebellious colonies, to other colonies – to wit, Quebec and Ontario. The Quebec Act was meant to remove some of the restrictions on Roman Catholics in British Possessions, like the colonies. And most British, 95% Protestant, took a dim view of that. And it also drew lines between colonies, that had never been done. When the lines were drawn, Quebec and Ontario claimed what is now the Western parts of Pennsylvania, and all of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. Virginia and Pennsylvania had arrogantly claimed the land of those modern states. This was just after The French and Indian War (aka The Seven Years War), and there were still dozens of Indian tribes in all those states. Britain refused to allow the colonies to take the Indian’s land (and in fact, the Canadian American Indians are far better off than any tribe in the United States – their reservations are huge and they do in fact have their own governments and police authority on their own land just like any other Canadian province). And lest we forget, my Cherokee ancestors fought for the British in the American War of Independence. The British would not allow any of the Thirteen Colonies to even try to buy land from the Indians (the vast majority of such selling of land was always getting a few Indians drunk, saying they were chiefs, and signing a Treaty, the drunk Indians ignorant of what the treaty actually said  – I cover a very real instance of that in the Beginning of Sorrows). THAT was what caused the War for Independence. God punished the French for helping us by inflicting the French Revolution on France – that was in fact brought on by French debt due to the Seven Years War. The French have not won a war since Napoleon, and he lost. It was Abraham Lincoln who authorized the next Thanksgiving, during the American War Between the States, as thanks for the Yankees winning the Battle of Gettysburg. The day of Thanksgiving came to be celebrated yearly, but it was never a legal holiday for long. It was a social, and rather Christian holiday. It caught on, but it was not a legal holiday.
Nor was Lincoln’s war ever a Civil War as claimed – the South was not trying to overthrow the government, it only wanted its freedom – that war happened because the Yankees were too cheap to BUY the slaves and then free them – as Britain had done. I cover all that in the Epilog of Beginning of Sorrows, Jason McDaniels is one of those who tried to get old Abe Lincoln to do just that – most Americans have no idea how stupid and mean Lincoln really was. My mother, an educated woman but from Illinois, The Land of Lincoln, took it for granted he was a wonderful man. I never tried to tell her what I had learned, she was my mother after all. As for Lincoln, he ran for President promising to take all the land away from American Indians, and the Cherokee Reservation in Indian Territory (now Oklahoma) was specifically named. He did just that, it is called the Homestead Act, and it took all the land away from every tribe. This is seen as a wonderful thing by most Americans, but I have never met an educated Native American who thought that. That was why most Cherokee men fought for the South and one of my ancestors, Elias Bodinot, was a Representative to the Confederate Congress in Richmond. Elias was a nephew to Stand Watie, a Cherokee Brigadier General who was the very last Southern General to surrender in 1865, he also is one of my ancestors. The Confederate promised full equality to all Cherokee and a few other tribes. We would have been much better off had the South won. The Yankee government punished my tribe, taking 6 million acres of reservation from us for joining the Confederates. And no American Indian has civil rights, we are specifically denied all protections of that rag called the Constitution. Our legal status – including my own as a member of the tribe, is that of being wards of the government.  The government admitted owing us 80 billion dollars in 1987, for taking oil, natural gas, timber, and coal from reservation land. To date, not one penny has been paid. It never will be paid. And the government with the help of the ACLU, forced us to accept atheism, abortion, gambling, and even drugs on reservation land. And I knew all this stuff quite young, I had dozens of Cherokee relatives, and often stayed with them.
 So, growing up I had a problem having a DamnYankee mother who thought Lincoln was wonderful, and my great-grandmother and grandmother and several of my great aunts and uncles, would not walk on the same side of the street as a DamnYankee.  She was also a Roman Catholic in a totally Protestant county. She did win them over, after 32 years, but if my father and his family had not been affluent, she would have never been accepted. It could have been worse, she was politically very conservative (Oklahoma is a VERY conservative state), and she was one of the first to go on the war path over abortion, though she and her cohorts were, and are – far too polite to end it. Only violence will ever end abortion. Legalized murder is a requirement of all liberalism, and all liberal philosophy has insisted every citizen is a slave to government, this can be found easily in the writings of all the liberal philosophers. Edmund Burkes refuted all the tenets of liberalism two hundred years ago – but Americans don’t read books.
Even so, it was not Lincoln who made Thanksgiving  a LEGAL holiday. It was Franklin Roosevelt who did that. Until FDR, Thanksgiving had no legal status – it was like Halloween or Mother’s Day – but FDR made it legal, and then workers HAD to be given the day off – like Christmas.  But even now, most do not have to be paid for it, or paid at overtime rates if they must work on the holiday, in most states. Truck drivers do not have to be paid for it, or even be given the day off. Did you know trucking companies pay no corporate tax? True. It is what you would call, just the normal CORRUPTION.
When I grew up it was unheard of for any business to be open on Thanksgiving or Christmas. For that matter, most businesses closed on Sunday. The liberals changed all that – in the 1970s, not by law or that Old Whore Democracy. But by the courts at the behest of the ACLU. This shows the cooperation of the rich with the liberals. By 1980 no American had a legal right to refuse to work on Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or a Sunday. This was liberalism showing it had fangs – it was more than willing to kick workers down, stab them in the back, and humiliate the Little People. In the Bible Neamiah went to war almost on those who violated the Sabbath, and we did have protest from the pulpits. I knew people who quit jobs rather than work on Sundays or Christmas day. But the dope heads were eager to take the vacant jobs. And this is a fact. By 1980 all prayer had been banished from public schools, and most 14 year olds were smoking dope and having sex – something unheard of when I was 14. So, if you wonder why wages are so low – well, when have dope heads ever known they were being robbed..?
So, Thanksgiving to me is more of an irritation than a holiday. I am not like that old lady who cussed me out – I want people to be happy, so long as that happiness has a moral foundation. I am not a grump, you’ve met me – I enjoy things. Food, Motorcycles, airplanes, even women up to a point. I have almost no hatred in my heart – but I am not nave. My profession was as an ANALYST – focused on electronics and computers and networks. But I can analyze almost anything in a very logical way. The sad truth is, Friend Ted, is that most live in fantasy, illusion and delusion – they are satisfied with very little truth, and hardly think beyond lucre, as the Romans called it – we call it Money. They are not really happy, they are at heart miserable and lonely and easily cheated by others, they learn not to trust. And the society is a regimented dementia, utter stupidity induced by a combination of greed, avarice, corporations and government. The problem has always been that chasing money can easily make us slaves to it, and often, it entices us to betray morality. And the one thing that traditional Christianity has going for it is what no one wants – the promise of a collapse of the economy. Once the government can no longer afford to entertain the masses, once it can no longer afford to provide social services for the helpless and ignorant and lazy, once the bills must be paid – the potential for reaction is very great. I do not lust for riot and rebellion, but I see it as a threat. Only severe repression can prevent it, and we are already living in a police state – and this is new, this has been since the 1960s.
Liberals have no management skills, no talent when it comes to money. This recent fiasco of trying to provide health care without embracing a single payer system, is the absolute proof of their utter incompetence. And that is because the rich who hate labor work with the liberals who have political authority due to that Old Whore Democracy, and the average voter knows no history, knows only their own little jobs, and most have no idea how our economy actually functions. Farmers hate socialism, but agriculture in America is actually socialism for farmers. All trucking companies hate socialism, but trucking is actually socialism for trucking companies. Bankers hate socialism, but all banking is actually socialism for bankers. All big corporations hate socialism, but all heavy industry is socialism for industry – and one has to be utterly stupid not to realize the bailout of 2008, was in fact socialism for the rich. And the Little People now have a huge debt that will last at least fifty years, and the promise of even more debt. The increase of the per capita share of government debt since 1960 is the difference of $100, compared to $53,000 – and this is the government’s own statistics. Nor, is this counting only workers, it is counting every legal citizen, all the children, all those too old to work. A full third of those between 18 and 65 make no contribution to the economy, they are on one or another form of welfare. And a third of all workers do not earn enough to pay taxes. And there are two reasons for it – first, a hundred fold expansion of social services for those who are only qualified to be janitors, and massive tax breaks for the rich that began in 1960, and by 1968 was being said in books written by economic scholars, to lead to just exactly what we have now – a nation that cannot even pay the interest on the debt without creating more debt. The rich escape because they own the property that increases in value with the inflation – and also, they are the ones who are owed the debt – though it is no longer just the rich of America who buy the bonds, now, the bonds are bought by foreigners.
The only reason we still have an economy after fifty years of liberalism that gave the rich tax breaks in return for the blessings of abortion and homosexuality and gambling and legal dope use, is that we are borrowing from Japan and China and Holland and Britain and Germany. They are buying up all our property, and eventually they will declare us bankrupt, and simply take us over. There is historical precedent for that. Rome took over Palestine and Egypt and Britain militarily only after they came to dominate the economies of those nations. Britain took India after it dominated the economy of India. America at one time dominated Mexico and Venezuela and Columbia, and the Philippines, all of Central America – but now, Japan has the Philippines, and we owe money to Mexico and Venezuela and Columbia. And we now have trade imbalances with every Central American nation. – We are on the edge of financial apocalypse, and that is not just my opinion. I must have a hundred books written in the last twenty years, by government officials and think tank people, trying to warn that we are on the edge of a financial cliff. But they, and me too, have what I call the Cassandra Complex, the more we tell the truth, the less we are believed. –
The rich no longer consider themselves Americans. Barry Goldwater, whom I met in 1964, said so in his last book before he died. They consider themselves multi-national elites, they owe homage to no nation, only money and banking, The first attempt of the rich of the world to make a one world economy failed, they depended on the Gold Standard that kept most people poor. Britain, to avoid social upheaval and the threat of Communism, abandoned the Gold Standard in 1932, forcing America to do the same. The financial world has been ruled by inflation since then. The money is false, but the property, and food, and shelter, are not false.
The idea of allowing America to give its industry away to China and Vietnam, is the attempt to create a one economy world. I think it will fail because as near as I could tell, the Asians hate us. The Arabs hate us. The Africans and South Americans hate us. They hated us in the Philippines, we spent billions industrializing their shabby little nation, and at the first opportunity they shunned us, kicked us out, took over our military bases, and ran with open arms to Japan and China. The world has always been a very dangerous place, nations have been invaded time and again. I think once the Japs and Chinks own enough of our property to claim our political system, they will have less mercy on us than the Americans ever had on American Indians. -  Oh, well….
I am not going to survive financially as things are – the state of New Mexico ruined me. What I have to do is find a way to live on $850 a month. I am going to have to get rid of my RV and motorcycle. Abandon them if nothing else. My CDL is still good, and I am certified to manage NOVELL, IBM and UNYSIS networks, and I am also an A+ certified computer technician – but if I take a job, I will not be able to write. I have never been able to write and work at the same time. I just cannot. We all have limitations, and that is one of mine.
I suppose, if I looked for a job, driving or working with computers, I could get myself out of this bind. The problem is I am withdrawing – more and more I stop interacting with the society, I am becoming a hermit, a monk almost. Nor, am I actually upset about losing my money, or afraid of the future whatever it may be, if there is much of a future. I am a completely Stoic person, the very epitome of what St. Paul taught as Virtue. God gave me a wonderful life, and I value every second of it. I have been to war, and I appreciate peace, though never peace without honor. I have traveled in more than 40 countries for one reason or another, even the Arctic – for seven months, so I know the world. I have seen wild lions and elephants, walked the deserts and jungles of Africa and South America, Central America and Asia. I have seen more beauty and wonder in my life than most can imagine. I have walked away from two aircraft crashes, and survived living alone in a swamp. And I have known more women than any man deserves. God gave me every chance to succeed to the top in the military, at business, or a career – if I have failed I blame none but myself. And I am in pretty good shape to be 64 years old. I can still run if I must, especially if being chased by the cops.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed our meeting recently. I seldom talk to anyone. I never actually encourage others to visit, nor do I visit hardly. I think I said more to you than all the words I have spoken to others in the last year or more. In fact I go so long without speaking sometimes when I do talk, I can tell the muscles are not used enough – my jaw is stiff, my tongue has to limber up.
One last thing – I cannot remember if I told you or not – but I have written a piece of music for Beginning of Sorrows. The last time I played it for someone, they said it was great. They may have just been being nice and thought it was terrible. I meant to orchestrate it but never had the chance. I can play it for you sometime, and with just a guitar can get the sound of it across. – I did enter an email to the woman you told me of, but never heard back. I don’t care really. What I have in mind is a lot of voices, and she may be a dedicated soloist. I lose no sleep not hearing back from her. I did send her the lyric of the song. It is a simple lyric, though the music is not simple – it is very much complicated, part of it is atonal – I mean, weird. So, Peace – and here is the lyric for the song.:
Hear the bugles, boy, hear the drums
See the soldiers march by
Hear the cannons boy, hear the guns,
See the Children cry
See the muzzles flash boy,
See the red sky,
See the soldiers march by
See the war boy, see with your eyes,
See the children die,
And still you wonder why


Sent: Sunday, July 21, 2013 10:08 PM
I sent you the first mansuscript pages of first chapter of the novel I am working on. This is a NOVEL, not me personally. we are sorta related, but I am not really the character. If anything he is more like I was in my forties. Read it at your leisure - I have finished eleven of twenty chapters. It is a fictional autobiography, and my character is a philosopher - so there is philosophy in the story. The two major influences on the style of writing are Proust, and after that Dostoyevski. The sailboat racing story in the pages I sent is true - that was me. I once tried to push my wife overboard to win a sailboat race. My charater is a reactionary  - he has no use, none, for the modern world.

I realize English is not your first language - and the story has a lot of Americanisms in it. Later, there is another very philosphical chapter, QUANTUM PRAEDECESSORES - that was the name of the Latin encyclical that called for the Second Crusade. That chapter lays out a way to overthrow the liberal government, legally. But it also hints at a breakup of the nation. Pretty serious. That chapter is a sharp and cutting analysis of America past and present, explains in some detail why DEMOCRACY is a farce in America, and suggests a society were no tax or law can be passed without all citizens voting to pass the legislation, and with but one exception those who do not vote count as a NO vote. My charater also wants an extremely limited voting franchise. He wants local communities to have full authority - with government so starved for income, it simply cannot harrass citizens. Local communities could have their own courts - and no higher court could ever do
 more than order a new trial. There would be no civil rights laws. and only a state, or local community could tax - and ever official of state or local government could be voted out every year. Federal and state governments could not rob workers of taxes. Federal government taxation would be paid by states, and the states would have to collect all taxes from people who could easily veto taxation for any reason. He also tells things most Americans do not know - such as: When the income tax was made legal by the federal Constitution, only the rich were taxed. 90% of the voters were untaxed. That did not last, and now 90% of the citizens are paying 95% of all taxes. The rich are basically exempt. Anyone not earning at least $100,000 a year cannot bear the burden of taxation, and that is a major reason wages would have to be $25 an hour to equal the buying power of the minimum wage in 1960. The federal and state governments, city governments - will not stop
 spending, so they have to sell bonds and pay interest on the bonds - the rich make out, they get the interest, and the bonds are not taxed as income when redeemed. So the rich rob the poor, legally. To pay the interest on the federal debt, and cover the state and city bonds, the government simply inflates the currency by spending on social welfare programs, even social security adds to the inflation. The government collects Social Security money, but makes the payments not from the collected money - but by simply sending out the checks and making deposits - and that is pure inflation. We are so bad off the rich of the world will no longer buy our federal bonds, so the Federal REserve is buying the bonds - illegal to do that until 2008. This is robbing Peter to pay Paul. The FED is our reserve bank, if it ever fails, money will become valueless. Due to interest, taxpayers pay four dollars for every dollar borrowed selling bonds. The debt is frankly
 unpayable. We can barely pay the interest. My character feels this is going to cause a severe Greater Depression eventually, a severe financial crunch - and that is the moment to strike down all liberalism. But, to do that people who are sick of Big Government pushing little people around, must start soon to set up committees of corespondence - be ready. He suggests a new political party that embraces Traditional Christian morality - which in his opinion is the ONLY morality Europe or America ever had, shabby as it is - and embrace a form of earier Progressive politics such as that that elected Teddy Roosevelt, and almost elected William Jennings Bryan. American Christianity is much too chummy with Big Business, the direct result of the threat of Marxist aetheistic communism - but prior to WW I, American Chrisianity was no friend of the rich, and that was made clear when the government started breaking up the big trusts. In earlier chapters my character
 analyzed the rise of Christianity in Europe - its pluses, its failures. And in other chapters he explained the rise of Hitler - the rise of Lenin, and the French Revolution and Napoleon - all the direct result of LIBERAL governments in charge - and easily pushed out of the way by serious people. My character hates liberals, says they think with their genitals, always intellectually immature, are incapable of managing anything, the men are neutered and the women Jack-booted feminists who on their own, could never run anything - men would simply ignore them. He rarely uses vulgarity, but he is a vicious writer.

I am in a total state of flux - I am working on a deal (legal), if it falls through, I am headed for skidrow. Not really, I can sell my motorcycle and RV and trailer. But close. At the moment I don't know what will happen, and it will be a few weeks before I can make any sort of decision. - let me know what you think of the little part of the chapters I've sent you. Just remember, Alan Crowely is a character, not me. Peace.



Billy J. - the Unysis
UNIS
 
REQUIESCANT IN ENNUI

       

My mother was a saint. Saints can be tiresome. I do not toss out the word saint with flippancy. Sainthood is a very serious subject and my interest is lifelong, my teething ring was a frozen volume of Acta Sanctorum. I am fully aware of the long established use of the term in English translations of Latin translations of Greek texts, and Latin translations of Greek translations of Hebrew texts. I am also familiar with the Roman Catholic tradition of sainthood, and too, the official Lutheran, Anglican cum Methodist comments on the topic, and also common and ultra-mod you’ve got mail trending-now usage of the term.
I have never been accused of sainthood, not at all likely I ever would be arraigned on the charge – but if so, I could ably defend myself without the help of Daniel Webster.
This autobiography has no particular plot, it has no crescendo of climax, no god in a helicopter ending. It is just the telling of a story as it comes back to me that may be of mild Historical interest to scholars. I hardly know the ending myself. It will end when it ends. It does have veracity – though you must take my word for that. Some of what I tell can be checked by documentation, but some of it is only a tale told by an idiot. I have no agenda, this is not a politically correct work geared to be accepted without raised eyebrows by the public at large, nor any government official – nor would I ever proselytize any topic. I would never attempt to talk you, Dear and Gentle Reader, into or out of anything. Do as you wish, think as you like. If I say what I think about something, it is not an argument, merely a statement. That it relates to my confessions of murder is relevant because for a fact no man is an island. You may pretend, you may run, you may hide – but the hip bone is always connected to the leg bone. You have full liberty to see things as you see fit or unfit, but logically, it is important that you understand the way I see things.
This is my last will and testament. Once it is finished, I intend to seek Holiness – to ascend into the Heavens. I only wish I could ride my motorcycle there.
I have been in throws of ennui for nearly a score of years. It was not a life and death struggle, I succumbed to the condition with grace. It began almost forty years in the past, every year passing edged me closer to the abyss. As Victor Hugo noted long ago, the clock does not stop working on the day one loses the key. The door slammed shut behind me nearly two decades ago, in 1995.
Being an Historian by inclination, education and instinct I am a stickler for dates, times, places, documentation. My chosen vocation, skilled labor, even profession had I one, was a talent, it came easily, it was no tedious task. A thing may be hard, difficult, grueling, dangerous, but like racing a sailboat, times passes quick when one is having fun.
It fell upon me on a gusty morning as I was on my sailboat in Redwood City. I had planned a day-sail, single handing. I wanted some quality time so I meant to be alone. I had a rotisserie chicken and a six-pack of ice cold Dutch beer. American beer always gives me a headache due to the yeast, and tastes as if it was brewed in old rubber tires. There was a stiff breeze meaning lots of spray tacking into the wind. I planned a sail to the San Mateo bridge, and then downwind with butterfly sails, the jib on a stick, back to Redwood City.
Downwind I would eat the chicken with my fingers (my mother would have been appalled at such lack of table manners), drink a beer or two – and ponder the possibility of revolution – not of the left but of the way far almost out of sight lunatic fringed right, a reactionary return to traditional morality, even perhaps Feudalism and chivalry, why not a Crusade in the Historical sense of meaning. A federal building in Oklahoma City had, a few days earlier, been bombed. No one had yet been arrested, though actually there had been an arrest but the connection had not yet been made. I instinctively realized it as an incitement to war, rebellion. I felt sure those responsible had chosen the day of the bombing (that had killed over a hundred) because it was an anniversary of an earlier government attack, two years before in 1993, on a church burned down killing eighty or so, near Waco, Texas. I also felt sure the bomb had been made from fertilizers. No big secret that. That fertilizers can be used to make bombs has been long known. And, during the course of my travels I had a few times been around those who spoke in hushed tones of making such bombs.
Oklahoma was my home state, though I had been born and raised closer to Tulsa than Oklahoma City, Oklahoma City the capital of the state. The capital was in the Yankee, liberal, Western-half of the state, populated mostly by those who came to Oklahoma, dazed Euro-peasants who had only recently left their dirt-floor hovels, wafting the stench of steerage - after the lands of the Indians, who had often been held in the Indian Territory as prisoners, were taken. I was from Eastern Oklahoma, and my white ancestors had arrived much earlier, twice, to Oklahoma. The second time during the land rush when the Cherokee Strip was opened for settlement – and earlier, when outlaws ran from justice to hide among the Indians in Oklahoma Territory. My Crowley ancestors, who came secondly to Oklahoma, had settled Texas even before Tejas broke free from Mexico, and had fought the Mexican War with old Zach Taylor, and later fought for the Confederacy to the bitter end. Later, they migrated to Oklahoma as one of them had been in oil since Spindletop came in. A son of that family married the daughter of a fellow who rode with JEB Stuart in Virginia, and with Jesse James in other states, and had first arrived to – not Oklahoma, but the older Indian Territory. Under the Alias of Billy Smith the fellow escaped the noose, and from the Yankee point of view, Justice. Billy Smith was wanted for murder and bank robbery – no one in Eastern Oklahoma then called Indian Territory, the old Cherokee nation – much cared about all that. He had murdered Yankees and robbed DamnYankee banks, good for him. Due to an earlier wife of Billy I in fact have Cherokee relatives, though I am not myself a blanket. Nor, in the tradition of Billy Smith and my Crowley ancestors, was I a blind and obedient servant of any government at any level. I was in fact raised among family and in a community where DamnYankee and Justice were mutually exclusive terms. (My mother was in fact not Southern, she was the daughter of German immigrants, and a Roman Catholic – born and raised herself in Chicago, but she had not been raised poor and ignorant, and she had married into wealth, so as time passed, especially as she was a Saint, she was accepted.) What the Supreme Courtesans thought about things in my home town of Hook Corner never counted all that much. In fact the federal government was held in contempt nearly as much as the state government, that was known to be highly corrupt. I never had to read Edmund Spencer to despise government, it was innate to my sensibilities. Nor, was I ever brainwashed into a sensation that followed me like a ghost, that rebellion was an honorable thing, it was Natural, it was a part of my make-up, it was in my blood, it was in fact genetic.
But I had not joined any sort of group such as that that I felt was behind the Oklahoma City bombing. Which is not to say I had never met a few of those severely discontented with the current state of American civilization. I had met several varieties of religious people whose creed was on the razor’s edge of lunacy – and I had also met and in a modest way associated with those who were members of self-styled militias. I certainly never shared religious points of views with those who had obviously never read Aquinas, let alone St. Augustine of Hippo. I could not imagine any of them were familiar with Bollandist works, they know no Latin and less Greek. I was a fairly staid Methodist blemished with Roman Catholicism as my mother the Saint had been a Roman Catholic and a Latin scholar. Being very well educated and from a family of shameful wealth – I didn’t click with Rednecks or those whose inclinations embraced racisms that I could not intellectually or logically with, agree. I was no great pal of any minority, and I felt affirmative action made victims of all – even the chosen. But I had a strong sense of fairness, if you would not do it to your kinfolk, you shouldn’t do it to your community at large.
I grew up in an apartheid state, saw it as a great wrong even when young, and neither of my parents felt Jim Crow was logically or morally valid. Though, if you guessed who came to our diners and enjoyed the culinary genius of my mother, Negros would not be a winning entry. Though our maid and cook were Negroes, they never served anyone who was not of our family or in general well off financially, usually well educated, so that left out almost everyone. Poor whites were not invited to our dinners, either. There was an exception made for one of my distant Cherokee cousins, a young fellow two years older than me. Though I did not know it when young, when I found out my father had paid Hank (he hated being called Hank) to be my friend – I was not surprised. I had always suspected something was just not quite right. The biggest give-away was that Hank embarrassed himself at dinner drinking the water from the finger bowl – and made us all laugh, we couldn’t help it. Trying not to laugh just made it that much more hilarious. Poor Hank. But when you need a job, you need a job. But, though both of my parents were severe financial and economic conservatives – very class conscious, and in fact my mother was imbued with Prussian Virtue, neither of my parents was hateful for no reason. They deplored Jim Crow, felt it unfair and demeaning, humiliating to its victims – though neither one thought affirmative action was very smart. My mother was extremely religious, my father a pale shade of Methodism – but otherwise neither were stupid. Discrimination of class, and gender, even religion, was to them natural – but not for race. Racism insulted intelligence and logic. Our maid and cook had not been hired not because they were Black, but because they needed jobs, and we needed a maid and cook. Our handyman Hobey was white, a Celt (long skinny neck, bird-like beak nose, pointed chin, little beady eyes, often unshaven) I am sure – but he didn’t get invited to dinner, either.
Intellectual logic is a dead letter to most who actively contemplate rebellions – and that was just as true back in 1776 – the Founding Fathers were Lucky Idiots, many of them I am sure in the pay of France. And rebellion can easily lead to exchanging one form of despotism and tyranny for another. I was of three minds – at heart I was an anarchist that wanted government small, puny, weak, voluntary. At another level I was something of a fascist who wanted stoic discipline imposed on the Little People. I was frankly disgusted with dopers and drunks – the unruly, the vile, the profane. Yet, in my third state of mind I did not want the Little People harmed. Had I a ranch I would see to it my cattle saw a veterinarian, so I felt some sort of Single-Payer health care was in order – so that at least mashed thumbs and cuts, and the basic medical needs were seen to, regardless of money in the bank or in a purse. There may never be money for the little folk to be rescued from death by heroic and expensive treatments, but morphine is cheap. But, though I had no true empathy with the Wee folk, I could see no logic to mistreating them, and any sort of freedom for them was risky, ignorant and stupid as they are. If you want your dog run over, let it chase cars. There was also a question of logic and genes about the mob.
In any Natural society of humans, if there are ten there will be one who is the Natural leader, and that leader will be mentor to the heir apparent. Simple logic would dictate if the society is one hundred, there would be five Natural leaders, with five in the background being mentored. It does not follow, however, that if there are a thousand there are a hundred Natural leaders either leading or being mentored. It had been my personal observation and experience of life that the more humans in any situation, the less Natural leadership to be found. And after more decades of life than I ever deserved I was sure Natural Leadership, nor intelligence (not the same things at all) had almost nothing to do with our modern systematic wealth worshipping regimented dementia.
I was not a genetic scientist nor a follower of eugenic philosophy – because it was obvious parents of talent and superior qualities often had children that were rather bland intellectually, and even sometimes spawned idiots. It was also obvious that now and then children conceived in poverty, whose parents had little curiosity beyond what was on television, had children with heaps of spirit and cunning intellects, often with insatiable appetites for one or another sort of knowledge, regardless they had never been brain washed to pursue wisdom or be virtuous, or love knowledge for its own sake. I had no scientific data to support my suspicions, but I was pretty sure the more people there are, the lower the ratio of pure intelligence, and also the fewer Natural leaders. To some degree I supposed when liberals were in control of the system’s dynamics, they worked hard hand in hand with the rich to disable Natural leadership, but I thought there was more to it. I strongly suspected then, and now, that a thousand people will have a much lower ratio of Natural leaders, than a hundred. I felt that at some point in time (I guessed it to be the 11th and 12th Centuries) in Europe, Natural leadership reached a high that has since been in decline. I also felt that Natural Leadership and average IQ did not always walk in lockstep. I feel strongly that average IQ was at its highest from the 16th to the 19th Centuries, and has been in severe decline since. I do not mean there was no Natural leadership, or there was no intellectual greatness at all in other centuries, but I am talking overall average.
We modern Euro-Americans are not at all, not even close to being, the same sorts as went off to fight the Crusades. The great men who won Edessa and Antioch and Tyre and Jerusalem (and Anglo-Saxon England for that matter) were men who often acted on their own initiative. Such military men would be court-martialed in modern times and militaries. There were still great men later, Richard Coeur de Lion and Oliver Cromwell – but they were more and more a minority. And the modern American is not at all the same sort as those who first came, and won – Virginia and Plymouth. The modern American male is a neutered idiot compared to those who arrived on the Susan Constant and Discovery and God Speed and the Mayflower. Natural leadership went the way of the do-do more quickly among Yankees than in the South. The Yankees had more people, so there was less Natural leadership. The Southern, Confederate Johnny Reb was twice the soldier the Yankees ever had. Harder to rule, harder make behave, but put them in the stress of combat and battle, attack or defense, and there was never better. The Wild West was dominated for long when the population was spare, by real men and Natural leaders, who went West to escape the political and social domination of the neutered Yankees, who ruled by institution and law, rather than True Grit. There are still enclaves of real men who resent being told what to do and how to behave – but we are no longer a nation of brave and courageous and heroic men. We are no longer ruled by guts and blood and spit in your eye hell-raisers, but by the namby-pambies of the American Cowards and Lunatics Union, and pansy politicians who look for romance in public restrooms. And the rich of today are not men like my father who went out and made his millions with his raw courage and fists and carried a pistol. The rich of today, barring Mafioso criminals, never had a street-fight, they learned their skill at stock manipulation gaining Morally Bankrupt Asshole degrees at a business school. And they have made the economy their beast of burden – the last thing they want is real competition, real men would chew them up alive. They want crooked laws and paid politicians to help them rob the Little People. And the more of us there are, the worse it gets.
I felt this was some sort of genetic thing at work – though I was no adherent of evolution, and when the first time in London, I was shocked that Darwin had been buried in Westminster Abbey. It would have been much better to have had him a tomb at the zoo, near the apes. And, with his beetle-brow he did have a sort of gorilla-like countenance. Look at his photos, then ask yourself, would I buy a used car from this guy? Darwin was a wretched geologist, easily jumped to the wrong conclusions, and he did the same stupid thing with studying animals. The evidences for evolution are nil, what is used as evidence is worse than skimpy, an argument for evolution is always simple falsehood disguised as profound knowledge. There is not and may never be any evidence one species mutated into another, and if that is possible, races are making new species, thus logic dictates that survival belongs to the meanest and most aggressive, and cunning, not the most intelligent, certainly not the most caring and generous. Natural selection won’t hold logical waters, if it is blind – then it is meaningless, and if it is not blind, then it is being molded, guided. Evolution is the very definition of logical fallacy, and any educated person realized the theory would be used by the liberals who buggered little boys to attack Christianity, and thus also morality and virtue. Evolution is an attack on Western Culture itself – and gives a backhand to any other culture. However, I was no follower of any dogma, and would not lift a finger or pen to defend any argument against fossil evidences of a much longer span of space-time than those who compiled the Biblical tale of Creation were of, aware. But at the same time it seemed obvious to me that humanity was becoming overpopulated, too many of us. And this made the Little People grist for the mills of commerce and finance and industry, and the system dynamics of modern America required centralized authority and overt destruction of any self-perpetuating opportunity for Natural leadership to play a rle in the social life of the itty-bitties.
America is controlled by liberals, the GOP and Democrats are only two sides of the same bent coin. Libertine politicians who think with their genitals easily hold hands in gay parades with business interests whose philosophy of greed, selfishness, avarice, stab ‘em in the back, kick ‘em when they’re down, take the money and run, is legend.
Liberal politicians have gained control of the political process and our nation’s shabby educational institutions – but they cannot have much control over Churches. The only real weapon they have to use against churches is the threat of taxing the wealth of the richer churches, which is I think, why so many of the wealthier sects of Christianity, such as the Mormons, Unitarians and others, are now embracing sodomy and lesbianism. And the reason for the animosity of the eunuch liberals toward usually smaller churches is that churches offer vast opportunity for Natural leadership to come to the fore.
Liberals are evil people who think with their genitals, and hate any form of morality. Liberals are not normally capable of understanding any higher logic or math, (they have no management skills and frankly depend on the money people to stave off the potential Even Greater Depression we deserve) and could care less about the logical validity of evolution, so long as it insults morality.
Morality is a grand thing, it is the rules we have that promise us individually the grace of honesty, dignity and a virtuous life – and also, if the rules were obeyed, decent societies. There was no morality in Europe prior to the rise of Christianity, and only a tiny bit since. The liberal is not a progressive person, they are supreme Reactionaries – they want a return to Western Civilization as it was prior to the influence of Christianity. Since they think with their genitals they suppose the Roman Empire to have been a fun house of sodomy, lesbianism and public castrations (priests who worshipped Isis castrated themselves in public in Ancient Rome). And of course the liberal supposes Christianity to be the enemy of all freedom, including the freedom to kill children in the womb. The liberal cannot help but fear Christianity – though most American ministers are a pretty whimpy lot, often with an eye to a retirement to a condo in Florida.
Historically, Christianity had a wallop. It made an emperor stand barefoot in the snow begging forgiveness, it set armies loose to conquer Jerusalem, it destroyed the Templars with a pen to paper once it was discovered the sodomites had infiltrated the order. And in one instance of the English speaking people, Christians imbued with the hard core values of duty, discipline, prudence, and a Puritanical repugnance of displays of wealth and grandiose declamations of a right to rule without the permissions of those ruled, whacked off the head of a king.
I frankly did not suppose the Little People would be happier being ruled by Christian virtue compared to the rule of liberals whose mental processes are immature and centered on genitals – but I was sure the Wee folk would be much better off being inspired to decency and wholesomeness. This was not emotional on my part, it was wholly intellectual. I really did not much care to be around ignorant people. I wanted the Wee folk raised to prudence, and taught the value of virtue. If they insisted on bad behavior, especially if recidivists, I wanted them quickly, firmly and harshly punished – but I wanted them to choose to be bad if they must – not led into repulsive behaviors by a government or the media. I wanted the young and all women protected from insult and danger. I wanted all persons educated to the best of their ability, but I wanted serious and honest and fair testing for all, nor – having taught two years at an expensive private university, did I have any delusions that American education was not abysmal, a conglomerate of fake institutions for the most part teaching liberal philosophies, and hardly any time spent teaching the logic of ethics, nor even science not subverted to liberalism. And the teaching of American history was an insult to intelligence. – But I had never joined any of the groups who seriously wanted to overthrow the government.
I was not much of a joiner. I only joined social organizations when absolutely necessary. I held memberships in a motorcycle club, a flying club, a Bay Area yacht club and the Yacht Club of America. I was not overtly political, nor am I now. I had been a Republican until Gerald Ford left the South Vietnamese in the lurch. I had voted for Ross Perot, but otherwise I voted the Prohibition Party (we garnered almost 600 votes in the 2012 elections, not bad in a nation of drunks). I do imbibe, but legal prohibition is a great good and we are in fact a nation of drunks who often harm their families and communities for being so – and if one wants a jigger of gin now and then, there will always be bootleggers. One of my grandfathers (maternal) was a big time rum running bootlegger back in the 1920s, he knew Scarface and other miscreants well – he did time for the offense, but made a good living. One of my uncles (paternal) was a moonshiner, a maniac on the thunder roads, but a small timer. He was my favorite uncle, and my namesake. No, I was no joiner. A real man needs a motorcycle, so I had joined a motorcycle club. If one has not one’s own private airplane one must stand in long lines with the other cattle flying commercial – and if one may own a private airplane, flying in the nation point to point – one avoids the hassles of large airports. And if one is truly a gentleman one must have season tickets to the opera, ballet and symphony, and one needs a sailboat. No man who does not own a sailboat is a gentleman. And anyone who has a sailboat and does not race it is at heart a mediocrity, perhaps even a coward – a man without competitive spirit is pitiful, perhaps mendacious. One must always be selective and use discretion when it comes to joining. It is one thing to associate with others in a random manner, but another to join a club. All gentlemen must have at least a simple assortment of 3-piece suits: Brown for winter, business; Blue for evening, winter; Black for funerals; Gray for summer evenings; Beige for Summer days, business. No gentleman wears off the rack clothing. Even my knock-about dungarees are cut to fit. I have working relationships with tailors, I am on a first-name basis with the guy who cuts my motorcycle jackets and leathers – but I have never joined a tailors guild. My father taught me when young to always leave an especially large tip the first time a new barber cuts one’s hair, regardless the haircut is good or bad. Then, the next time they cut your hair they will pay close attention to what you want, and work hard to please. My barber smiles every time we meet, I have no complaints about my haircuts. But I have never joined a barbershop quartet. I had never joined anything not really necessary. So, I had been reluctant to ever throw in my lot with those who had the grit to overthrow a government – I acknowledged their grit – but grit is not enough. You need cooperation, lines of communication. You need committees of correspondence, and you need definite goals. You need tactical and strategic planning, you need a conspiracy. You need stoic discipline, and a huge cache of arms. And as old Ben Franklin pointed out, if you do not hang together, you will hang separately. It is also a great help if there is serious economic and financial problems and disruptions. Starving people tend to want to be fed and will usually have great animosity toward those who fouled things up.
In America almost everyone was happy enough being miserable within the regimented dementia of the greater society. If anything, they wanted more of what the culture was providing at great cost to the environment, and most hardly cared how much debt they accrued having an automobile and mortgage on a house worth a fifth of what they owed. They wanted more credit, not a stable economy with a government that paid its bills. Most Americans did not want a modest wholesome life that befitted their intelligence. They wanted more tattoos and face jewelry, they wanted to guzzle cheap foul tasting booze and pot and heroin and cocaine and crystal meth and no end of illegal pharmaceuticals. And one thing any rebellion needs is a modicum of talented managers.
Most talented managers in America are either in the military, or involved in business enterprises. The military was not a hotbed of dissent. Our military was the best paid in the world. And the managerial talent of business and industry was either well off financially or rich enough to bribe their way out of honest taxation. The rich were doing quite well, had never been richer – and regardless wages were going down the tube for workers, the workers did not want higher pay – they wanted to be rich and were stupid enough to run to a gambling casino or buy up lottery cards with enthusiasm, or steal and rob their way to wealth. Those who did care enough to get public attention on political and moral issues were invariably sodomites, lesbians, pro-abortionists.
As for environmentalists - the men painted their toenails and the women all had Frank Sinatra haircuts and garlic on their breaths. And most of those who were stockpiling arms had no use for any sort of argument that we were poisoning the planet, and ourselves. Most of the serious rebels rejected the shrinking ozone and melting of the poles as no serious threat. I am not an environmental scientist – but I would not be surprised if New York City and Los Angeles get flooded out. God has been known to destroy wicked cities in the past.
That some lunatic fringe group had lost patience was to me no surprise. But that blowing up a federal building would spark a revolution was laughable. A few hundred militia men are not going to overthrow the government of 300 million when a huge percentage of those people depend on the government, most are fat and happy and have no idea of how miserable they are. If there was going to be any sort of serious revolt there had to be the creation of an infrastructure to guide the revolution. One did not need a total consensus, no revolution ever acted with the advice or consent of public opinion. And starting a political movement, creating a party that was both above ground and under the sites of government sharpshooters, was what I had intended to ponder sailing downwind, eating my greasy barbequed chicken and sipping my Dutch beer.
I was a YCA champion and my boat was a prize winning single-design competitor. But just as I was untying the boat, it hit me. Ennui. It made me feel cold, I shuddered, but I also felt a relief, if very bored.
The phrase Banality of Evil has been around awhile. I came across it in a book about Eichmann’s trial. Arendt I think was the name of the author. I had always felt chasing down war criminals was an utter waste of time, and trying them for war crimes was stupid because war is an atrocity. If there is war, there will be atrocity. Dead is dead, killing civilians or POWs is always ugly, but if a state or society in revolt has made it legal, there is no legal crime. A thing may be disgusting, but you cannot with honor prosecute those who obeyed orders because at least 80% of humanity has no moral sense, they will do as told or allowed. The top 20% may have a sense of morality, but it is ridiculous to expect them to commit suicide, become martyrs – if the government and 80% of the public and citizens of a nation-state are eager to commit atrocity. In the event one might change certain human behaviors, fine – tell the losers you are disgusted with them and make it difficult or impossible to continue committing atrocity – but to hold them responsible for only obeying orders in the past insults the reality of the human condition. This is the root logic of the legal phrase Ex-Post Facto, after the fact. It lacks logic to hold anyone responsible for what they did last year if it is only now being made against the law. If what some did during a war, if it was allowed and even legal, even demanded – there may be moral guilt, but it there was no legal guilt at the time the disgusting acts were committed, there is no logic to attempt punishing people, who by their Natures, can only follow orders. To do so is revenge, and revenge is not moral. Chasing down and tormenting, even executing war criminals is also a question of national sovereignty. If what one did in a nation under that nation’s laws, it seems to lack justice that another nation should even attempt to impose its own laws on citizens for which it had no responsibility, and had no authority over prior to a defeat such as that suffered by Germany and Japan following WW II. Let us reduce this to an absurdity that is not really far-fetched. There are two little towns, one has laws against all booze and bars. The next town over has legal booze and bars. The two city councils get together and merge the government of the two towns. Then the district attorney is told to arrest and prosecute all those who drank or went into bars last year, when it was legal. Nor, is the argument that the United States was only holding the Krauts and Japs to any standard of morality or common decency hold water. As Hitler pointed out, Germany was only doing what the United States had already accomplished against the native people of North America. When the pot calls the kettle black, that is high hypocrisy. There is of course revenge killing, and that was what happened to Eichmann. A great opportunity for mercy was lost. Humanity is the worse for it. An individual might take upon himself the personal responsibility for a revenge killing – I have – but that is murder. As for the allies warning the Germans they were going to punish those abusing minorities and all that – that was surreal. If one is in charge of a defeated enemy, fine – you can do as you wish, make new law. But threatening to punish those committing atrocity who were still under the authority of their own nation-state, is irrational, unreasonable, illogical, and absurd.
I am a Christian regardless I am a murderer, and I approve this message. Sinners should be forgiven. God will forgive them, it follows we also have that obligation. However, I am not a liberal. Forgiving sin in general, bad behavior, the willful breaking of laws – should always have the proviso of the forgiven sinner, sinning no more. A second offence should be harshly punished, because after all few of us are saints. Our patience is not limitless. – This of course takes us to the topic of taxation because I have led the way. Sin should always be seen as moral sin. Laws are not apt to be moral – usually they are some sort of extortion or legally justifiable extortion or homicide for the benefit of government, or the excuse of regulating an economy and its industry. There never was a need to make murder against any law because it is a moral sin. There was never a need to pass laws against stealing or robbery, because those are moral sins. There was never a need to legalize free speech and by doing so, legalizing profanity and lying, slander. Lying is a moral sin – and profanity is disgusting. There is no need to even make a law against profanity – the Natural leaders of any family, neighborhood, community, will quickly tell the profane to shut up. To protect the profane by law, is to insult common decency. It takes away true democracy, and neuters all those who are by Nature, Natural leaders.
Murder of course is the most serious crime of all. But, it all depends on how we define murder. It is a given that because we are societal creatures, as a group we certainly have a right to defend ourselves and those for whom we are responsible. However the modern liberal will not grant an individual that moral right, the liberal will insist only they, the liberals, have a right to self defense. Liberals will prosecute almost anyone for acting in their own self defense. One is supposed to call a liberal cop and in the meantime be robbed or beat up by the liberal criminal. The reason for this is obvious, liberals want to make individual self defense illegal out of a fear some might decide to act in self defense against liberal government.
My theory that first offenders should be forgiven but second offenders should suffer severe discomfort, seems to invite convicted murderers to murder again. This of course gets into establishing creditable evidence that the accused indeed committed murder. Circumstantial evidence has been said to be the backbone of the law, but circumstantial evidence has been proven wrong so many times – it seems silly to allow it to convict anyone of anything. Convicting an accused murderer on circumstantial evidence is an act of heinous turpitude. We even convict accused murderers without a dead body. One can argue percentage and chances are all one cares, but Justice is not a percentage, each instance of crime, each individual accused – is an individual and unique set of circumstances. And we allow cops to torment the slow of thought and weak of will during inquisitions – so even a confession is not wholly trustworthy. We have no doubt executed the mentally unfit. It may certainly be wise to get some miscreants out of the society, but legal killing due to court order is an atrocity, an act of a shameless people, it is not Moral, it is not Justice. Morality and Justice do not stand alone – they are upheld by the quality of mercy.
Goodness knows how many innocent have been convicted and even executed on circumstantial evidence. This will always be a problem so long as the accused lacks a convincing alibi or cannot afford a good attorney. It would be a help toward justice if capital punishment was rejected. Killing convicted murderers who were actually innocent is murder itself. Perpetual imprisonment does two things – it virtually assures (assuming the prison is a good lockup) that the accused will never murder again if they did it the first time. Not killing convicted murderers allows time for new evidence to appear, perhaps a new trial with a better eye toward old evidence and improved justice. And it gives time for a guilty murderer to come to God, to be forgiven, their soul saved. Executing them too soon, if they are unrepentant, only adds to the Devil’s hordes in Hell. It is one thing to appease God, something else again to swell the ego of Lucifer.
I cannot agree to capital punishment, it is murder if the person cannot harm others. It becomes a sort of human sacrifice, and that is immoral – Abraham did not after all have to sacrifice Isaac, and we are always wrong to kill in a time of peace. If it is a time of war, shoot their ass, napalm them – but once arms have been laid down, once there has been a capitulation, once there has been a capture or surrender, to shoot POWs, or the wounded – or to execute others for having only been human, all too human – is wrong.
This problem of justice and murder was part of the reason ennui was set in motion when I was young. It had always been buzzing around me like an irritating fly. But, when abortion was made legal – the line was crossed. It is simply illogical and unreasonable to assume a fertilized human egg somehow is not a human. Saying it is not yet a human is the same as saying a seed does not contain within itself the absolute requirements to grow into a full plant. An unplanted seed is not yet a plant, has no chance of becoming a plant – but once it is in the soil – assuming there is no flood or drought, if left alone it will sprout and grow. And the argument that sets a date when a fetus is viable is ridiculous. A three year old toddler is not viable. Some adults are not viable. It is the Supreme Courtesans, and the Parliament of Whores who are not viable. And since the Congress is elected, we who vote are not viable. Immorality is not viable, it is Evil, and we have plundered our nation of all good will and common decency. If you agree to accept a democratic vote and thus compromise with Evil, you have insulted all logic – because there is no compromise with Evil.
At the time I began having strong doubts as to the moral efficacy of our nation I had already been involved in a premeditated murder (at quite a young age), and in the ‘Nam had proven myself rather cold blooded, a Natural Born Killer. A young man who slew with enthusiasm and exuberance, and who actually thrilled to kill. I did have standards of morality – small though they were. I never mutilated bodies, nor did I torture. I did sometimes kill out of mercy, and did not seek to learn if I might enjoy tormenting and torturing my victims, before killing them.
I knew I was not supposed to enjoy killing, not even in war. But I did not feel guilty, except in nightmares. So, here I was a cold blooded killer, already guilty of participating in murder by any definition, and I considered the abortion law to be Evil. If someone such as me could easily see the Evil, then those who had made child sacrifice legal were supremely, spiritually sick. I was already tending toward ennui at the age of twenty-three. I fought it away, and then one day – I was defeated.
Later, in my forties, when the full effect of the ennui hit me, I was waylaid by reality and truth. The American lower classes were going to be given head (excuse the pun) and encouraged to homosexuality and even more disgusting behaviors. As a society we were going down the tube. The nation was going to become a moral cesspool.
Those of us who advocate strong family values are actually qualifying the term to mean Strong Puritan Family Values. Mafia families have family values. Families mired in poverty and alcohol abuse and drug use have family values. But the values they have do not lift them up spiritually, do not inculcate better behaviors. – And, a person can easily be from a family that allows the children to grow up without discipline or any sense of morality, not to mention common decency, or even simple politeness. Many parents pay little attention to their children, the children are left on their own to amuse themselves, and they easily turn to horrors at play, and are easily misled into seriously bad moral behaviors. It seemed to me an Historical certainty that the nation as a whole had governments at all levels that had little concern for the wretchedness of poverty. Considering the vast amount of monetary wealth there was, there was always, in every state, city and town, an extreme level of heartlessness. (But our modern system of social welfare, because it does not train and teach stoic and disciplined values, does not end the problems, only staunches the bloodletting to some degree – the wounds still fester.) Some were poor due to genetics, they simply did not have the smarts, nor offsetting qualities, to escape poverty. Others had no opportunity other than one sort of criminal behavior or another, though poverty can never justify immorality or crime. Some very poor people were sincerely religious, and protected their children, strove to help them get a better start in life – but most, did not. In the aggregate the lower classes have always failed to be responsible parents, children were set adrift to be led into all sorts, kinds and types of bad behaviors. Historically, and perhaps for genetic reasons – sixty or seventy percent of a society has always been low class. In America due to the generally high level of prosperity since December 7, 1941, many who would otherwise have been very low class managed to pass for middle class. The reason I suspect what we call poverty is at heart genetic is because many of those who had the prosperity to educate their children often failed to do so – and that is one reason so many younger people are in debt for education loans. Their parents failed them – money was not set aside and saved for college educations – it was spent on bass boats and cars and pickups and TVs, stereo phonographs, wall to wall carpeting, expensive toys, and all the other stuff offered for sale. The money even may have been wasted on a ten beer a day drinking habit.
The main reason America started going down the tubes in the 1960s was because when the Baby Boomers edged into adulthood, they were undisciplined, and often had no education even if they had gone to one of those jokes called high school. Nor, unless they were fortunate, had they been taught a worthwhile trade, they had no practical skills. But even worse, their parents had not inculcated any standard of behavior that embraced decency. Those such were easy prey for booze, dope and irresponsible sex. There had always been a certain percentage of poor who had no religious instruction and whose behavior was shockingly shameful and often stupid. But the Baby Boom increased the numbers of such people, and the prosperity of the Military-Industrial Complex made them, especially the children, arrogant. This increase in the number of people who lacked cultural values beyond finding the next bar or bag of dope or someone to have Free Love with was enough to upset the balance of Puritans to Heathen of earlier generations. All societies are led and influenced by better sorts financially, and for long in America those better sorts were religious, and rather Puritanical – and though it may only take twenty or thirty percent of the better sorts to make a society Puritanical, there is a definite point at which those with Puritan instincts will fail and Heathen values will dominate. In America we hit that point about 1965. The election of 1960 set the path – though the Democrats had not openly stated their true objective was to liberate the society from all moral values associated with the common decency taught by Christianity.
There has for long been myths about why the Great Depression happened. Let us cut to the chase – it happened because of immigration that lowered wages to the point workers could no longer afford the extras that had been helping out the economy. Once wages plummeted to bare survival levels it started the domino effect. Wages are the direct result of the availability of labor. Not enough labor and wages will be high, too much and wages fall. People could find work, but the pay was less, and less, and less. Wages have nothing to do with profit. An unprofitable business will fail regardless the cost of labor. A thriving, efficient business or industry with a market to exploit, will succeed regardless the cost of labor. Even in the Great Depression most businesses stayed afloat, as the cost of labor rose due to government enforcement of a minimum wage. But the rich in general hate a fair price for labor, if they can take a dollar a day from a worker to put ten cents more into their own deep pockets – as surely as a shilling dropped at Charring Cross will disappear, the rich, most of them, will grasp every penny. The rich will always work to lower wages, and the poor, will be forced to work for lower wages. And that is why the rich will always support immigration, more people lower wages. The rich will not agree to raising a minimum wage (that in modern times is worth only one third of its value in 1960), saying that will cause inflation. There rich tell this lie so often they’ve come to believe it themselves. No, inflation is caused by government debt and rolling the printing presses that spout dollars – not high wages. In any large economy there are a thousand things happening, and raising the price of labor is only one thing. The smaller a business that uses shop labor the more likely higher wages will raise prices – but the larger the business, the less likely wage hikes will raise the cost of manufactured goods. A larger manufacturer will not normally operate 24 hours a day ever day. If labor costs increase, manufacturing can increase, thus lower the cost of making an item, and selling for less. Doing so can increase market share, and thus raise profits. If competing manufacturers all have to pay the same wage increases, the fairness of labor costs remains the same, and higher wages can force greater efficiencies. So long as population increases in America every market must grow, there are more people to sell to. If population does not outpace manufacturing increases, wages will not effect price of goods. Profit will come from increased production, and competition should dampen unfair profits. Some businesses, such as electric utilities, become more efficient the larger they are, but this leads to monopoly, and often government regulation to prevent price gouging. Electrical generation is often over-built, and an increase of customers does not require new generating power stations, only more generators on line. Thus power generation has an inbuilt capacity for increasing profits simply due to more demand. The purpose of higher wages is to cut profits, not sales, and not to increase prices – corporations, companies or small business will never willingly share profits with workers – and the higher wages of workers in turn support other businesses, new business. Many business are so vile that even though they could still make twenty percent profit every year paying high wages – they will work and buy politicians to keep wages low and increase population, so they can make thirty or forty percent due to lowering wages. And the more money they make the more they have to bribe politicians to keep taxes off the rich and increased on the workers – high wages will not cause inflation, inflation is caused by government debt that cannot be paid by taxation, so bonds are sold, interest paid – and the printing presses roll and the more dollars there are per person, the less each dollar is worth – so there is inflation. Inflation lowers wages, and it is caused by the rich not paying taxes for the cost of government, and thus the government, if it spends, must borrow, and thus – tax cuts on the rich always result in lower wages fro workers.
Nations with twice and more higher wages than America, have less inflation because they pay their debts. - There were thirty-five million unemployed in the Great Depression – and that was how many workers had immigrated here from 1890 if you count their children who had grown up and had also entered the workforce. Workers simply overpowered the economy as it existed. There is always a point of no return. If that point had been at 28 million immigrants (and immigrant children) the economy may not have adjusted as it did and caused the Great Depression. But if the point of no return had been twenty-eight million and one – the camel’s back was broken, we went over the cliff. This going over the cliff applies to other areas of political and moral concern.
This radical change due to numbers and ratios surely has a point where too many of one sort overpower the lesser numbers of a different sort, though financial harm can often be in circle jerk with moral depravity. The lowering of moral standards and standards of common decency coincides with the lowering of wages and increase of poverty in our nation. Our nation never conquers poverty, it only increases the numbers of the stricken. This is a vicious circle, more poverty means more social welfare programs and more costly government employees, and since the rich will not be taxed, the government borrows to feed the welfare social dynamics and that means inflation that eats away the value of labor. – But increasing wages will never of itself improve the lower classes.
In a morally decent society the entire economy requires that it be shepherded and overseen – that the wealth the Little People earn is not wasted, is saved when possible – and that the commons be taught a better way of life – to be more stoic and disciplined, to watch out for and over their children – that the workers who can work have opportunity for wealth above starvation – and that morality and common decency become the standard of acceptable behavior, not the walking wounded of a society already knee deep in a cesspool of moral depravity.
When it comes to our modern police state with its government enforced hedonism, Heathen freedoms, immorality and lack of basic common decency, we hit a number of Heathen that was in fact a point of no return. The year was 1965. Puritans were no longer the dominant influence in the society.
We often jabber about public opinion but in essence public opinion is meaningless – the public is a great mass of ignorance. Public opinion cannot escape being molded – and if effort is made it can be manipulated. As Goebbels pointed out, tell a lie often enough and long enough, and it will be believed by the public. All societies are dominated by an elite of about twenty percent. This is genetic – eighty percent are simply incapable of leadership, the top twenty percent will lead by default regardless of their own competence or ignorance. The main thing wrong with liberal government is that it destroys Natural leadership, and replaces it with politically motivated incompetence. Every government employee displaces someone who was a Natural leader by genes. Most in government have had to be somehow certified, and once you start certifying and classifying workers – you upset the balance of Nature – because certifying will not reflect honest reality. Benjamin Rush, George Washington’s personal physician pointed this out about the medical profession. He said plainly if there was an institution such as the American Medical Association, the doctors would be overpaid, often incompetent, and the public ill served. Doctors in America expect to become multi-millionaires and fifty million Americans have no medical care. If a nation truly wanted good medical care at reasonable rates, the government would pay for the cost of educating and training doctors – and encourage any who could pass the entrance exams to become doctors. More doctors would lower the cost of medicine, we might even wind up with too many doctors. Doctors, like our engineers, would have to find floor-walking sales jobs.
We are as individuals and to a large degree prisoners and victims of our genes, but if anything has influenced civilization it is that there are always exceptions. Poor Folk are generally lacking of intellect of any great degree, and tend to be slovenly. But genius can strike within its ranks – which does seem to justify offering education to all if they can learn. When I say the Poor Folk of America tend to hedonistic behavior, that is the truth – but there have always been Little People who were in fact very Puritanical and seriously, sincerely religious. Their religious sects tend to be fundamental, but they do often adhere to rather strict morality. But sincerely Christian poor people always have been, and are now, minorities within their own social rank. One the worst faults of American Christianity is that the churches are too much separated by wealth and social status. There is in fact very little solidarity between poor Christians and more socially elite Christians – this works to the advantage of those who are enemies of all Christianity. And, the upper crust families are always susceptible to the occasional throwback, the wastrel, the prodigal, the idiot child, the slovenly, the liar and thief, the pregnant daughter, the drunken son, the lazy, the parasite, the pothead. Societal failure among the elite (who usually are financially elite as well as Puritanical and disciplined) has always happened now and then. In the case of America after WW II, failure of the genes of the elite was probably no worse than it had ever been primarily because the elite usually had smaller families, and often had excess wealth to spend on damage control. But the increase of the prosperity (after December 7, 1941) of the Little People combined with their increasing Baby Boom numbers, upset the cart. The elite had traditionally refused to be enticed into bad behaviors, regardless a few had always easily sunk into the depths of hedonism. Most young men and women learned the result of getting drunk was a hangover, not to mention shame at what we had done drunk - and that combined with strong family disapproval combined with the influence of being part of the social elite, and the overall Puritanical nature of the society – tended to dampen a lot of bad behavior – and to some degree this was Natural Puritanism at work. And that Puritan outlook was itself genetic and was why for long most Puritans were better off financially than the Little People. Being religious, being moral, made them prudent, made them stoic and disciplined. They did not waste money, or the labor of children who needed to do chores. Many families who had money, had money because when they had little, they were by their genetic natures stoic, disciplined, and did not waste a penny. It is never a sure thing but a child raised to do chores and waste not want not – will think twice about blowing money on frills and cheap thrills. Being raised within a Puritanical despotism may in fact lead one to hesitate doing something despicable and stupid. Many of the elite class, such as myself – offered drugs, simply refused. But the society, in almost the blink of an Evil eye, changed. The Baby Boom tipped the scale.
I saw firsthand what was called the Hippy Movement, the Counter-Culture. There were a few elite among the rabble in the enclaves of depravity that sprang up almost overnight. But they were rather rare. Mostly, it was in fact people who were not only lower class by individual genetic makeup, but they were from low class families in the lower class parts of their societies. And many who were wrongly assumed to be middle class – were only middle class by virtue of their parents having high prosperity due to the Military-Industrial Complex. They had had toys and TVs as children, nice clothes – but they were at heart from lower class families who taught them nothing of culture, did not take them to museums, never bothered to teach them music – had no idea there were things such as math and logic and History to learn. Many of the so-called Hippies I met were ignorant as sticks. They certainly had no great regard for Beethoven, had never heard of Mahler – and had never been exposed to fine literature. Intellectually they were arrogant bores. They had not by Nature (or been taught by their families) learned how to analyze anything much. Worse, it was obvious their parents had never taken them to church, had not even taught them social manners. They had no concept of prudence. They were easy prey for drugs and any number of idiotic new spiritual teachings – and invariably, if one questioned them - it was discovered that they were not really getting rid of traditional Christian values. They had never had traditional Christian values in their homes. All they had ever realized was the societal demands of living in a Puritan dominated society that also offered no end of useless things to buy for those willing to splurge their incomes. And they had been irked by the Puritanical demands of the society the same as any barfly. They were rejecting Christianity, and they knew nothing about it. They had no sense of the religion as it related to History, understood nothing of its greater spirituality, and scoffed at its moral teachings. That such people existed was no surprise. They had always been around. But now, they existed in hordes. They were the true Baby Boomers – and many of them came from large families. Most of the elite had come from families that had practiced birth control. It is a fact that those from large families are often lost in the shuffle, and having come from a large family is often a prelude to hatefulness. If you think having enough siblings to fill a bus will ensure that you will be protected by them, or that they will never abuse you, cheat you, lie to you, and fight you angrily over a piddling inheritance – you are one nave person.
The Baby Boomers simply overpowered traditional, Puritanical moral people. We were still here, but we were fast becoming a much smaller minority. We were aghast at the behavior of Hippies, and being clean and neat, young men who usually wore slacks and polished our shoes, we often sought refuge with the GOP, but that proved a sham because the rich want to be more rich and hate taxation – and the rich went along with anything the liberals wanted in exchange for tax breaks and the legal freedom to ravage the American economy, depress wages by immigration and forced integration of women into the work force knowing full well that would lower wages – and women are much easier to push around when it comes to wages. The rich, most of them, embraced cut-throat international trade – and the loss of entire factories to cheap labor overseas has created more poverty than bank robbers ever had hope of achieving.
The liberals had gained political power by at first pretending to support labor – though if you want low wages, vote in liberals. The liberals true power was the Baby Boomers, who could legally vote at age eighteen and many did. The liberal political coalition was labor (screwed after the hard hats voted for Nixon), those on Social Security and Welfare, and a huge lower class Catholic vote. The liberals screwed those people too, financially, due to inflation and lost jobs. – And there is a definition of stupidity that claims a person is stupid when they keep trying again and again, what did not work the first time. The liberals to this day still get out the Roman Catholic vote – and the church has never, not for an instant, claimed abortion was not a sin. - At one time the South had been Democrat, though hardly liberal – but racism ended that cozy relationship after LBJ passed Civil Rights laws. The liberals easily replaced the racists with strong support of homosexuals. After that, the liberals sought support from minority populations, and illegal immigrants who in fact vote in major elections. American citizenship is so cheap anyone from anywhere in the world can afford it if they can get here. After that, the liberals reached out to pornographers, those who had strip joints, gambling casino owners, doctors who wanted to get rich performing abortions, and homosexuals. If homosexuality is indeed genetic (I doubt that, it is a cult of lonely people who would agree to anything just to have friends) the Baby Boomers must have had big doses of the perversity. Genetic or not, the Baby Boomers increased their numbers. The same with criminal behavior. A nation of a million probably has at least a hundred thousand criminal personalities – if the population increases 10%, they now have one hundred-ten thousand criminals, and not one more acre of land to spread them out – and criminals do well until they are caught if they are caught, almost anywhere – but they thrive in the anonymity of any large city. The elite too, have had homosexuality – but the elite were having fewer children. Since the GOP had almost no chance of ever regaining the political power in had in the 1920s, the GOP had to compromise with the liberals. The traditional alliance of GOP with conservative Christians (due to the threat of atheistic communism) was less and less of value because commie societies seemed destined to fail, which is why so many raised under communism jumped at a chance of escape to anywhere almost, but especially America. – But if liberalism ever had allies it was the entertainment industry and the public schools. The entertainment industry never had much of a reputation worth defending – the movie industry is the descendent of carnival sideshows – and carnivals were long known to be places where attendees could be carnally enlightened. The motion picture and television industry, often influenced by those from vaudeville and burlesque, was always trash, riddled with sodomites and actors willing to sleep with a producer for a part – but it was entertaining to the Little People.  Motion pictures were at one time heavily censored, but the liberals got rid of that and even situation comedies now have porn-lite infested in the tacky scripts. Television cartoons went queer and lezzie, and Public Television put homosexuality out pretending it was not that, only puppets, though Bert and Ernie have come out of the closet and are featured cuddling on magazine covers. Public schools must now forbid prayer, and teach evolution though evolution cannot hold up to honest scientific analysis – evolutionists are scientists the same as psychiatrists are physicians. Fakirs. When push comes to shove public opinion hardly amounts to a hill of beans – but by and large, if you can tell a child or adult with infantile intelligence one thing – and forbid the contrary opinion to be taught or presented – you can manipulate that public opinion. As for holding dear some philosophical mode of thought, as old Sartre pointed out – putting a pistol in someone’s face puts all concern about existence on a back burner. The victim will almost surely focus intently on the pistol, and usually, will do as requested by the person whose finger is on the trigger.
The Baby Boomers were making Puritan Christians ever more a minority. – I saw all this after abortion was made legal. I was still young, only twenty-three. I had hope for over twenty years – and then one day on my sailboat – I simply no longer cared. Ennui. It took me out as if a sharpshooter had shot me. It was if I had walked in to have a look inside a dungeon, and the door closed behind me. It was exquisitely real, and there was no escape. I was done for. A walking dead man. A zombie. And the only hope I had was what my mother had taught me when young, things could always be worse.
By 1995 I simply knew the game was up. We with Puritan instincts were going to lose on all fronts, there would be even greater trade deficits, larger budget deficits, our public debt would soon become un-payable and would be put onto the backs of future generations who would shirk the debt perhaps causing more wars, and wages were going to plummet, and politicians were going to stop shaking hands and wag their penis’s upon greetings. We would become as Ancient Rome, where in the days of St. Paul grown men emasculated themselves in public, and tossed their severed penises at the door of a wealthy person, who was intimidated by a mob of queers to pay for the new eunuch’s feminine wardrobe. I am not making that up, it really happened.
Ross Perot had, I felt, been our last national hope for a leadership with any concern for moral probity, common decency, or a life without NAFTA. Hardly anyone voted for him – he got the horse laugh from the media – they made fun of his ears and his Texarkana accent, and the truth was, we rejected him and his chosen vice-presidents, and we absolutely deserved our ugly future. The graffiti was on the overpass, we were going to be overrun by immigrants and illegal aliens, most of whom had family values on par with organized crime. And the thing was – once the ennui hit – I simply did not care. And, I no longer wanted to be any part of such a banal evil.
I had been waiting for the other shoe to fall nearly half my life, 23/43rds of my life, or 46.5 percent of my life give or take, to be accurate. Prior to the advent of total ennui I had not simply shrugged off the situation. For a long time I had been concerned. Obviously the population of our nation was hardly over-wrought about abortion to the extent they were willing to act to end it. Doing so through the political processes of our democracy simply did not seem possible. The yen and yank of the two liberal parties was tied to issues of lowering wages and legalizing every sort of depravity, and the social welfare system dynamics combined with easy credit (without which most could not have a car, certainly not own their homes) had set in like a brick in cement. So long as the macro-economy did not entirely fail, as long as wages were lowered and taxes kept off the rich the liberals were welcome to make cannibalism legal, as H. L. Menken had once predicted. As for the economy, I was sure it would crash eventually due to bad loans on housing (that was costing five times and more the true cost of home ownership), and the selling of derivative options. The deregulation of the futures markets – the freewheeling shoot ‘em up cowboy atmosphere of Wall Street – international trade that was ravishing jobs, and huge budget deficits – promised a compensating reorientation of all markets – and sever money crunch – I was sure it would happen. And it did, in 2008. However, even in 1995 I was sure when it happened, the government would step in to rescue Wall Street and the banks, which are the main repositories of those who are rich. There was Historical and legal precedent – the robbing of the savings and loans with the approval of that old hack actor Ronald (Shark attack!) Reagan, and his buddy Bush the First, had proven the case. The cost of the robbing of the savings and loans had easily been put upon the backs of the ignorant, politically unsophisticated workers. Bush the First had promised no new taxes read my lips, but rescuing the savings and loan debacle required new taxes. He was voted out but the taxes did not leave with him. When Wall Street failed I was sure the government would come to its rescue – it did, in 2008. But, there was a hope that the government bailout would bankrupt the government itself – and if that happened, anything could happen. There were a lot of ifs. If the people, the citizenry, demanded to be released from paying the obligation of debt to save Wall Street – we would be facing an even Greater Depression. This was, I felt, a small window of opportunity for reinstating basic morality and common decency. But reinstating morality in society depended on there being in place a committee of correspondence, a united political group ready to take charge and reorganize the society. And that was the topic I meant to ponder the day ennui shot me out of the saddle. Could it be done? Was it worth a try?
The majority of American Christian churches were frankly bourgeois – the ministers mealy-mouthed and not about to preach emotional sermons. History proved a modern civilization would not normally have masses in revolt. There had to be some spark to set off real violence, and that spark had to be set off in a tender box of very real financial discontent. And, the time had to be right – there had to be a syncopation of events, and there had to be strong leadership that was of little mind to compromise, and conspiracy to take the reins of government, and the grit to fight it out if push came to shove. What I had in mind was something like the Tea Party with assault rifles in one hand, the Bible in the other. – But, I knew without some sort of financial collapse, the masses were not going to become cannon fodder for abortion any more than they were going to cheer for those bourgeois upper class Yankee idiots in the late 1960s and early 1970s who were hoping to set off a fight for anarchy. A futile attempt had been made to spark revolt in 1995, a federal building had been bombed in revenge for the burning of a church in Waco, Texas and other ugly events due to the exuberance of a liberal government to restrict freedoms – and also, many thought – morality. Like many at the time, I had no doubt Clinton wanted to hit Christianity hard – make it afraid to not at least vote for the GOP. Clinton was a hedonist whose idea of a good time was slopping semen on the office help, the man had the moral stature of peep show, the NAFTA had made him sign on the bottom line in blood – and he spiffed the public he was going to think about it. He was a slimeball who insulted every citizen, the nation, its Oval Office – with his evasive half-truths and pretense of Christianity. he could not be shamed out of office, every miscreant in the nation, most of the rich, all of its liberals defended him and the Senate could not convict him of obvious lies – no doubt the swing votes got some favors for insulting the public. He had the full support of every sodomite and lezzie in the nation, and he was exactly what the nation deserved.
In 1995 I had been seriously contemplating and exploring the possibility of revolution, violent revolt, harrowing rebellion – intellectually, for over twenty years. But when the ennui hit, it was as if I had been assassinated, shot by some hidden gunman. The truth when it befell me caused me to actually bend at the knees, and then sit on a sail locker. Light a cigarette. America had been going down for long, since the election of JFK. Even before then the Devil had been ringing the doorbell. We had collapsed into skid row in 1973, the year I returned from the ‘Nam. The year abortion had been made legal. I was not a bleeding heart. Born to wealth I had little use socially for the rabble, other than as labor. (I had little use for the bourgeoisie, either, sooner or later they will embarrass you.) But I did not hate the Little People any more than I would hate a herd of cattle. You take care of your herd of cattle, you take care of the Little People. And I knew they would be better off if cared for properly in a Puritanical, stoic and disciplined nation-state. The mob was being encouraged toward depravity.
I was not any sort of active seditionist or terrorist, I still half-hoped there was a peaceful solution, even though the only solution the mob was interested in was that of 7%. - I had supported Perot, and the election of Bill Clinton had clinched the deal – the working class people of the nation were going to become tattooed Heathen and let their children be trained to homosexuality. As for Clinton, how could anyone with a brain be surprised that he splashed semen on the office help. That is the sort of thing liberals do – they commit some despicable act sans gne, and then giggle about it. If accused they put on mockery and with big eyes accuse the accuser of prudery, even suggest there is hypocrisy. I may have been a liar and hypocrite from time to time but I wasn’t the president of the nation. The man had no dignity, no honor, no sense of shame. He lied, and the chubby woman had to actually show a dress with his semen stains to back up her brags. And he would not quit, he could not be shamed out of office, and the Parliament of Whores would not vote him out of office. And I knew this would happen before it happened. I did not know precisely how Clinton would entertain the nation, but I knew he would do so as his economic policies lowered wages and he would do everything he could to increase government welfare and bureaucratic jobs, increasing the amount of workers who invariably voted for liberals. That makes sense, they would lose their jobs if a true conservative ever had real political power. And this was all to me, suddenly, as I sat on the sail locker smoking my cigarette, utterly boring.
And sadly, I knew it was no little thing, this sense of not caring. I had for long enjoyed sailing – and especially racing my boat. I was a very competitive person. I hated to lose, even a beer can race was important to me. I had spent a lot of money and time training my crew.
I am a champion competitor - one-design racing sailboats, Yacht Club of America certified as such. It was often dangerous, I have raced in gale force winds with twenty foot waves and refused to trim sail. I expected every member of my crew to do their duty, and they always did. I have leadership genes, as well as reckless genes.
The week before the ennui hit me I had participated in a practice race, a beer can race they are called. The race was from Redwood Creek (Poop Lagoon) to the San Mateo bridge, and back. I led the entire race, until the very end. I got myself trapped in a vicious counter-current coming back up Redwood Creek. I realized it too late, and another boat out of the current was gaining on me. I got out of the current, but by then the following boat was taking my wind (coming from the south, promising rain), and it seemed he was going to pass me and win the race.
I had been short a member of my crew that day (I was allowed two grinders and a foredeck man, plus myself), and in desperation I had called my girlfriend at the time (Gwen – a comely young lass, impressive resume and nice legs), to flesh out the crew. Twenty years younger than me, utterly ignorant with her degree in computer code that otherwise left here barely competent to do laundry – no idea at all there had ever been History, or wars. She was negligible help, hardly more than a warm body, had to put both hands on a winch, the kind of thing that makes you cringe. But, she was game.
Toward the finish of the race, as I was being caught up with in the creek, surely to be passed, I said to my girlfriend Gwen, “Act like you fall off the boat, and call for help.”
“What!” she said.
“Fall off the boat, splash around – he’ll have to rescue you,” I said nodding to the boat catching me.
Gwen shook her head as if she was confused, “You can’t be serous…”
I nodded that I was.
“You’re nuts!”
I shook my head.
“I’m not getting all wet just so you can win a stupid race!”
“It’s not a stupid race,” I said. “No sailboat race is stupid.”
“It’s just a beer can race.”
“My crew loves me, a manly love – no faggots on this boat. They cherish the opportunity I give them for glory. They bask in the grandeur of being crew on a winning boat. They have supreme loyalty to me, they would die for me – and I have put their lives at risk many times. We have been in races where people fell off boats and died, we have never reefed sail in a race – never! - It is important, for the solidarity and esteem of my crew that we not lose a race, even a beer can race. If you allow slovenly discipline once, it will become habit. We have to win this race, or die trying.”
“Well,  since these other idiots are willing to die for you, ask one them to jump off and act like they’re drowning.”
“I can’t. That’s ridiculous. They are highly trained, we have worked years, years I say - to attain the perfection we display in regatta races, even beer can races. I can’t risk losing one of them.”
She laughed, “I have never met a more arrogant, vain, and reckless man in my life!”
“That’s why you love me.”
“I don’t love you. You’re good in bed but otherwise you’re a shithead.”
“Please don’t use vulgarity. It’s unbecoming a woman.”
“I am not jumping off you’re damn boat!”
“Please…”
“No!”
“Where is your loyalty..?”
“NO!”
So, I grabbed her and very nearly pushed her over the taff rail – but she screamed, wrapped her arms and a leg around the backstay, and held on, kicking at me with her free leg and foot. I sighed and decided not to force the issue. Had it been a regatta race, and not a beer can race, I might have shoved her in the drink. But, it wasn’t as if the loss was going in the record books. I feigned a chuckle and held a hand out to bring her back aboard. When she was in the cockpit I assured her it was just a joke. With as much of a smile as I could muster I said, “It was just a joke…”
“Liar!”
“No, it was just a joke…”
She thought a moment and replied, “OK, it was a joke. But I thought you were serious.”
I sighed, accepted defeat. As the other boat passed me an inch or two each second, the other captain with a big smile on his face, I muttered, “We’re losing…”
“It’s not the end of the world,” she said.
I smiled as best I could, and gave a salute to my competitor. Women just don’t understand, they never will. They are not the equals of men – some of them are more intelligent than most men, but they aren’t men, they have no upper body strength. There is always something artificial when they pretend to authority over men. It is against Nature, it is against Humanity, it is against the honesty of genes. Feminists are not women, they are merely creatures of media manipulation. Feminists have no modesty, thus no Mystique. Henry Miller saw it coming years ago – “Beauty, that feline beauty that has us by the balls in America, is finished.” Beauty has ever and always been way more than skin deep. Beauty is inner essence, deeply spiritual. Look under the skin of a modern American Beauty and what you will likely find is a slut with a rancid spirit, a tart with a cash and carry policy, a trollop with murder in her soul support if she winds up pregnant or wants a girl not a boy and why shouldn’t abortion be used for gender selection and oops late birth control– or, no scruple to trap the father (any former sex partner will do, many modern sluts don’t even know who made them pregnant) into child support even though she was just out for shedding her panties and never had any intention of being a mother or wife. The government will provide day care and aid for dependant women, and affirmative action head of the line privileges in our modern sleazy workforce for our mediocre service industries full of tattooed idiots with stickpin jewelry in their faces who yak with friends on cell phones while you wait to be waited on. The typical modern American woman is, as Will Shakespeare said, “A goodly apple, rotten at the heart.” Modern American Feminists are a sleazy attempt to bring Amazons back from the past. The Greek word Amazon meant a woman who had cut off her own breasts so she could wear armor as men did. That’s what the word means: Without Breasts, real or silicone. When women (or men) mutilate themselves it is a symbolic admission of their own inadequate ability and lack of will to function as what God made them. American Women no longer even remember when they were beautiful, have no realization that a stick-pin in their lip or nose or cheek or belly button, a ghastly tattoo, cannot possibly take the place of chastity, modesty – and the aura of motherhood, that cannot exist once a wife leaves the home to take a job to please the rich and chortle the ranks of liberals who are after all in our Gelded Age – only emasculated cowardly men, feminists, sodomites, lesbians, abortionists, pornographers and media executives. But the root cause of the American Beauty’s descent into ugly slut-hood are all the nation’s cowardly ministers who don’t seem to realize it is their God-given duty to stand up to the death against Evil. You cannot sit at the Table of Jesus if you aren’t willing to be martyred, and these days you’d have to chase preachers down and hog-tie ‘em and drag ‘em screamin’ to the stake to conduct a public auto de fe worth the price of admission. Family, and family values, are what make strength, and the wife at home is paramount to strong families. A child needs both parents; the mother before puberty, the father after. No working mother, no single mom, can be a mother of value – she fails the child when young – and no woman can control an adolescent, just don’t happen. Adolescents simply are not interested in virtue, honor and duty. They have to be intimidated into the behavior. Nor, are they smart – most can be led into almost any bad, stupid behavior. They must be watched closely, overseen – and a working mother simply cannot do that. A young teenager simply ignores a mother – fathers are not so easy to ignore. God gave men authority, if they live up to it. Holy Writ does not normally countenance women ruling men or nations. Reason for that is God’s Division of Labor. The bald fact is a woman is not a man. No matter how much a woman might strut and fret an hour upon the stage – no real man wants to be ordered about by some shrill shrew, and in any Natural setting – it just won’t happen. That is not to say many wives are not more intelligent and shrewd than their spouse – and only a fool would ignore good advice, but when push comes to shove, no man much wants to share a foxhole with a woman. There may well be times when putting a gun in the hands of a woman is the right thing to do because it is the only thing to do – and a woman might lead a nation to greatness as did Good Queen Bess and Maggie Thatcher, even at the head of an army and navy – but normally, Nature nor God meant women to get in the way of the work of Man. Queen Bess was in my opinion the greatest monarch of England of all time – Francis Bacon praised her for being intelligent, shrewd, and she cared for her People, Little or Big. She was, it has been noted, a far better King than James who followed. But she had her men to ride point for her on the trail, her Cecil, her Drake, and a dozen others who guarded her realm for her, and with her. She’d done her time in the Tower (the Clink was reserved for Little People) – and upon being told she was monarch, quoted scripture, promising to do her best. And above all, she was wise. Having the job put on her, unable to renounce her authority – being a Working Woman – she remained a Virgin, never married, and gave up desire to be wife and mother; dedicating her life to the good of her people, her nation – and her God. She never had a young daughter get pregnant while she was running for vice-president.
I might prefer a woman as sailboat crew to the likes of J. S. Mill or John Henry Cardinal Newman, but it would always be only if I couldn’t find a drunk in a bar to Shanghai. Women’s thoughts are musical, men’s are mechanical. They are short legged creatures, easily caught in a chase. They are art, and luxury, but poor sailors. Women can be fearsome, that is why so many men become queers, sodomites, fairies – they are afraid of women. And liberals are always cowards before women. Women are far more apt to say mean things than a man because no gentleman would hit a woman, and they know that. They cannot lead men on their own authority, most men will reject them out of hand. Only an Act of God can put a Joan of Arc or Elizabeth One Regina over men. Best not to question acts of God. And there may be times when arming women for combat is the only option, though they would always be second choice. Women can never honestly rule men because they are not men. Their natural authority is limited to home and hearth. I was very disappointed with Gwen that day, and the feminine half of humanity.
When the captain of the boat passing came alongside he yelled over, “I would have let her drown!”
I nodded, I understood. I am in fact a heartless, cruel man – especially when angry. But I try to honor morality. Had I been in his situation I would have done what I could to save her. I would have sent one of my men, surely the least valuable, over the side with a life ring, and told him to keep her from drowning if he could – I would come back for them after the race. I would have at least rescued their bodies after the race. There is a problem with San Francisco Bay. The water is so cold most will freeze and drown in a few minutes. I would not normally suggest anyone go for a swim in the water. But sailboat racing is no normal activity. It’s a wonderful sport, a participatory sport – you do it, you don’t merely watch it unless you’re on the committee boat. Nor is it tainted with vile commercialism. It is a gentleman’s sport, one of the few remaining not absorbed into sponsorship by corporations. It is not a sport for penny pinchers. I spent twenty thousand most years just keeping the boat up and renting slips. I kept at least three slips most years, so I could move the boat to the area of the next race, without tiring my crew or myself before a race. Slips can be hard to rent in the Bay Area, once one is grabbed (often with nice tip to the Harbor Master to bump you up the waiting list), best to keep it, you may not easily get it back for next year’s regatta.
“I don’t see what you guys get out of all this boat racing,” said Gwen.
“… No, I suppose not…”


Billy J. - The Works of God?

On Tue, Jun 25, 2013
Update, I have temporary rescue, I can pay rent for another month, get my motorcycle fixed and look for job now. This is only about the twentieth time God has rescued me at the last moment. I borrowed no money from anyone. Never asked for anything from anyone. - It must have been Him I did nothing, was preparing to walk away. Anyway, I am not at the moment facing destitution. I have a chance for survival and all I have ever needed is a chance. They will have to kill me. - Let me know about the tourist thing - I have a CDL, and am certified Novell, UNYSIS - can write spreadsheets, and I am A+ certified computer tech. I am also certified to disarm and handcuff (passed police academy test for that - no kidding). Maybe I could be of help to you - maybe not. anyway... Peace

Billy J. - The Works of God? Continue...
On Wed, Jun 26, 2013
Will stay in touch. Mailing address - I have box now at trailer park, will send it soon as I find my trailer park mailing address and get key for the box. - Lost my favorite cap yesterday, like to never found it. My motorcycle is fixed, now I need to find job. I can go two ways, computer/electronics, or CDL driving. My writing must go on back burner for the moment. I hate that, but it must be done.

Fighting state of New Mexico is hassle and stress I do not need. I still have a few problems due to having my bank accounts robbed. But they are really small amounts (a few hundred dollars is a little problem or a big problem depending upon how much money one has at the moment).

The truth is, and always has been - we live of the moment. If one is alive and still breathing, that is all God ever really promised an individual on Earth though He has long admonished us to virtue - what a society does is a different thing than what we individuals think or accomplish. If we have enough to eat, and water - we are at any instant living our fate. Every second of life is precious, and the things we ought to value such as beauty and love, mercy and honesty, are free, and beauty is everywhere, if you only learn to see it as it is happening - and our behavior in essence has no economic value. Honor is not something one can purchase on credit, there is no installment plan for mercy. To a small degree we influence our fate, but the decisions we make attempting to  alter that great rolling wheel of commerce that has no concern for what a person thinks or has in their heart are petty things compared to the greater fates of nations, bad or good
 weather.

I do not ascribe to withdrawing from community, society or dominant realities, regardless the behaviors of most who are hardly more than a mob dancing mad in the cheap thrills of regimented dementia - people trained to do stupid things, and doing stupid things. One reason I easily recognize stupidity is I have many times been stupid.

The main reason I decided to write the BEGINNING OF SORROWS historical novels is to tell how things that effect and influence our lives NOW were set in motion in the past. You live in Florida because European Americans took it by violence from the Creek - Muskogee - Seminoles (and to some degree runaway Black slaves, and even a few white Europeans and Americans). The reason there are so many places there with FORT as part of a community name is that they were the forts built to kill the Seminole and steal the land. In the novels I noted the building of many of the forts, one of my characters is Colonel Jason McDaniels, the military engineer. I did not make a romance or action-adventure story of it - I did not exempt myself from the aura of guilt. One of my ancestors was indeed the REAL brother of the fictional Jason. And, one of my real ancestors, George Guest, was a Cherokee who fought with Andy Jackson at the battle of Horseshoe Bend, that defeated the
 Creeks in Alabama and drove them to Florida where they became Seminoles, runaways. I do not personally like the Seminoles, and have very little use for Muskogee Indians. I once had a Chickasaw girlfriend, and did not like her much at all. Nor, did she like me - regardles there was strong animal attraction. This goes back a long way - to the wars between Creeks (Muskogee) Indians, and the Cherokee (Iroquois) Indians. (The Seminoles and Cherokee in Oklahoma were enemies during the American Civil War, too.) Still, I wrote of them with fairness and honesty, and even mercy. I overcame the residual bitterness and distrust of them - at least enough to write the story.

What is happening to me now is in a paltry way my fault - for a decade and more I made little effort to collect the money one needs to keep the government at bay, to bribe your way out of threatening situations. I accept full responsility for my own irresponsibility. The reason I focused on writing books and ignored gaining wealth was that it was my passion, it felt right in my heart - and in the long run, we die but what we have accomplished - for good or bad - lives on in the Great Spirit that pervades all existence. I simply lacked the genius to gain wealth and write at the same moments in time. I acted of my own volition, of my own free will - and wrote my books. If I died today, if I must suffer misery, if I am ridiculed or humiliated - still, I wrote the books. The very word DIFFICULT means one is going against the enertia of society DIVIDING the CULTURE. And in my own way I am now a warrior of the mind, the instincts, the heart and soul, just as
 when I was young, I was a rather different kind of warrior.

Some think society is not worth saving - I disagree, every part of humanity is of value, though dealing with any mob is aggravating. - There is no great wisdom withdrawing from the society, no matter it is ugly and vile. And a person who devotes themselves to getting rich is of no more REAL value to society than some monk hidden away on a mountain or in some monastery cell. Gaining wisdom is easy, acting on it is what is difficult. One must to some degree renounce the obvious rewards of joining the gang - but finding the right balance that allows us to be protected, indeed to prosper - is subject to fate. I certainly never sought out a battle with the state of New Mexico - they acted against me for no logical reason. But I will survive - I honestly feel God watches over me - time and time again I get rescued. - Even now an old friend is offering to loan me enough to clear the pressing financial hurdles I face. But, being a man who wants to be honorable
 means I must make every effort to pay them back. They are not rich. So, the writing goes again on the shelf. And I must sell my labor. For less than it is worth. - Jesus understood that, you know. Sometimes people work and are cheated of honest pay for honest work. More than one Marxist used Jesus not being greatly concerned about the pay of workers to denounce Christianity - but what Communist government ever paid honest wages? The morality of the Bible runs to a trace, an epitome of life. If one is moral, you will have gladness of heart, your spirit will soar on the wings of eagles, and no matter how beat up you are - your spirit will rise and sing. The society itself follows a plan - if those who lead are virtuous - society will be pleasant enough, if not a thrill. But if society is evil - things will never work out - no matter how good YOU are - the society will insinst on despotism and tyranny. But I made up my mind long ago to never give up, never
 be a coward. I will face the society honestly, and stand my ground. If they really want rid of me, they will have to kill me. And, governments kill people all the time. Things can always be worse.

Well, so much for Happy Hour. I am surviving, what more can I ask. I will stay in touch. Peace.

Billy J. From the low level life situation
On Mon, Jul 1, 2013
Just an update - do not know how things will go, but I am not upset, and frankly a little bored. No decision yet to fight a case - just thinking of it makes me ill. Finally got Aquinas downloaded, the files are huge, so it was difficult. - When I create an historical character they are not cartoons - I ponder and search what they would have studied at school, if they went to school. I also explore other events that happened as they grew up, and even what sort of clothing they would wear. I don't always use everything, but it helps me create them. - Before I got sidetracked writing a non-historical novel I had been studying the 1st century AD, all the events - and just doing that has been great entertainment. I have read every article in any way related to the 1st century from the Roman Catholic encyclopedia - hundreds of articles, and I also explored Judaism in the 1st century. - I have re-written the mess I made of the novel I'm writing now. All
 together 800 manuscript pages (about half that if published in book format). It is a unique book, but will not likely have any money value. There is no wastage, no blurb - no filled in spaces, no matter how much it might seem a story or philosophical statement or poem has no relevance - it all comes together into a finished work - it isn't a book for small minds. It will only entertain those who think about humanity and the meaning of life focused on humans. But I would be the first to say a serious analysis of the development of existentialism within a novel is not a good plan for making money from the book. My character is a competitor - and in the first chapter he tells of how he invited a girlfriend to be a crew member during an un-official sailboat race. When another boat is catching his boat because he got into a strong current holding him back, he decides to ask his girlfriend to jump overboard so the other boat will have to rescue her and he
 will win the race. When she refuses he tries to push her overboard. - The truth is, I really did do that. I am not proud of myself but there have been times I have been less than a gentleman. This character of mine is actually the worst aspects of my own past in many ways. As for my girlfriend, she had our child but her father was wealthy and I never had to pay child support. She wanted the child, but not me. - I get a huge spiritual thrill writing my stories, and that is truly what life is at its roots. I am like Michaelangelo or Spinoza, at a casual glance I am a nobody. I do not want possessions beyond books, I only want the freedom to write until I die. 

The truth is I have to fight getting angry now and then due to what the state of New Mexico did to me. Taking money from someone, every penny in every account - is no small thing - it is robbery. I know I am a survivor, but I resent it that now I have to think about surviving - and get involved in all that clutter, all that meaningless jumble of stupidity. I was set - I was free of the bondage of labor, I had little but I had no debts and good food, shelter - and it got ruined. - I trust God to watch over me - if I die, well, it is my time to exit. Peace.